I Gaslit Myself Into a Life I Didn't Want: How I Broke Free and Found My Purpose as a Content Creator.
- JozaWorld
- May 21
- 9 min read
Do you remember where you were in March 2020? Specifically, the day that the lock down from the pandemic went into place. Did you do a little dance because you didn't have to work? Did you still have to work, only to be greeted by a ghost town? Well, I remember where I was. I had just gotten back to the US from China. I was still in my "acclimation back to the US" phase of travel. What I didn't realize is that the next few months would literally change my life forever.
TikTok in 2020 was just a past time, a random hobby, an ease to the increasing boredom I was beginning to feel...until it wasn't. One minute I'm making short videos teaching others Korean, (which didn't seem super special to me at the time.) The next minute, I'm 100K followers in deep and had started an online Korean tutoring business. That was my first real drink of solopreneurship. I had been working towards entrepreneurship for years, but I had never really understood what that meant for me, until covid. So, I did what anyone would do-- I rode the unpredictable social media wave, created content I thought would keep the wave going, and began to sink into the muddied world of social media. I thought... "If this is what people like, I MUST keeping making it. I CAN'T let people down. This is all that I have to offer and share." (BIG MISTAKE... this is where the self-gaslighting began.)
The "GO" Trap
Even though I had always been outgoing, fun, and charming in person, prior to the pandemic, I had never been able to build a genuine online community or fan base. But TikTok changed all of that. Now I had people looking to me to help them travel to Korea, learn Korean, meet a Korean man, (yea, people asked me this,) and tell them everything I knew about being a black woman in South Korea. I was slowly getting boxed into a corner that I'd later have no idea how to get out of. I had no clue what I was building or how I could sustain it. I also got used to the praise (and some occasional hate) I'd get because of sharing my Korea knowledge. It felt good to go viral, to be applauded, and be seen as an "influencer." (even if my "viral content" held no real substance or weight for me.)
Fast forward to the beginning 2022-- 300K followers on TikTok, and more than 20 Million views on my videos later... I decided to work towards my vision of expanding my brand and building my very own tour company, JozaWorld Tours. My dream was to help women, especially women of color, travel and experience the world like I had done. I know the beautiful impact travel has had on my life, and I couldn't wait to share that with others. Throughout this time, I was still working a 9-5 I hated, entertaining a relationship with someone that I just didn't feel was right for me, and trying to "stay cosistent and authentic" to my content creation, (even though I had already begun seeing the cracks in my vision.) The truth is that at this time, I was already feeling like I didn't relate to anything I was making content about, (ie: Korea content.) I felt like I had SO MUCH MORE to share with the world, but everyone on social media only saw me as "Korea girl." Now, there's nothing wrong with that niche, per se. I simply out grew it and didn't know how to pivot or change course. I was stuck in the "GO" trap, (this is what I like to call it.) It's a place where you KNOW the way you're currently heading is wrong, but you have no idea how to make it right, or you're too scared, or you've got too much invested... or WHATEVER the excuse, and so you simply GO. You keep going forward, at your own detriment, until you eventually crash. And "crashing" looks different for everyone, crashing looks like settling in a life you don't love or have no passion for, settling for a partner that can't love you properly, giving up on your dreams or goals because you've buried them so far down that you don't even remember what are are. Crashing isn't just the "danger zone," it's beyond.
I got sign ups for my tours in 2022, began planning my trips, and launched my first batch of tours in the Summer / fall of 2023. The tours were amazing! It was an incredible experience-- watching others experience Korea and fall in love with travel and exploring.
Even with the tour success, deep down, I knew I wanted more. I knew I NEEDED more. Simply showing people a cool country, or a nice cafe, was NOT how I envisioned myself imparting my purpose into the world. I also wanted to share my faith, my expertise on life planning and goal acquisition, and share my epic travels with the hope that it helps someone else to chase a dream, live with boldness, or pivot. But... I, myself, didn't pivot. I waited. I didn't want to "let my audience down." In all honesty, I also felt like if I started making content I was genuinely passionate about, people wouldn't like me or I'd lose my following. (Which would have meant that I was a failure in my own mind.) Who would've thought that just a year later, I would experience all of that and more.
Kicking Myself When I Was Down
January 25, 2024 (2:34am) -- I made the decision to move abroad. First it was gonna be bali, then Thailand, then travel the world for a year. I thought that all of my sleepless nights, stress-filled days, discontentment, and depression was because I was in a 9-5. (partially true.) I thought that the reason for my lack of motivation to make content consistenly or truly grow my audience was because I was unhappy in America. I convinced (gaslit) myself into believing that if I could just leave, I would have more peace, more motivation, more hope, and move vision for myself. WOW, I really believed it too. Here's the thing though, you can always lie to others, but deep down, you can NEVER lie to yourself. How you feel about yourself, your body, your work, your life, your family, your friends, your kids, your hobbies-- whatever IT may be, will always shine through. There will always be evidence in the way you speak, act, think, and even in the things you compromise on.
I relocated to Thailand in January 2024 and immediately regretted it. I had a gorgeous condo, a lovely pool available to me, and all the yummy Thai food I could eat. And yet, I knew I wasn't supposed to be there. Then, I decided to bounce around and explore the world for the year. Thinking... maybe more travel, more "quiet time," and more opportunities to create content would help me to become HER. The "successful" woman that I held on a pedestal in my mind-- the woman who I felt kept eluding me. I, however, was caught in a trap... the trap of searching. And even though my travel company made over six-figures last year, I was the most miserable I had been. I was lonely, depressed, confused, and felt utterly lost. Why? Because for an entire year, I tried to (metaphorically) put a band-aid on a broken bone. I tried to heal my discontentment with travel and experiences, (which were amazing and I learned a lot from,) when what I really needed was simply to LISTEN to what my gut had been telling me all along and change course.
Because of how I had been feeling, I made NO PROGRESS with my social media goals. I made no progress as a travel & lifestyle content creator. And I felt empty even with having success from my budding travel company. But the hardships from running the company, the lack of respect and care I felt from my customers, and the inner ache to create more meaningful and authentic content pushed me further and futher from what I actually wanted...and it showed. I stopped posting regularly. I stopped making YouTube videos. I hardly ever uploaded on TikTok, (which meant that I did lose followers... around 20,000 to be exact.) All because I, in my right mind, couldn't keep up with the charade. I couldn't make content on a topic that wasn't close to my heart. The one thing I was afraid of happened, and it was all my fault.
Starting Over
Towards the end of 2024 and into 2025, I began to feel more than unsettled. I could no longer ignore it. I wasn't doing what I loved anymore, I wasn't happy about what I was sharing with the world, and most importantly, I wasn't feeling like I was walking in my purpose. My previous mental state of trying to push through my feelings had opened me up to making compromising and rash decisions in my dating life, my career, and in what I felt purposed to do. Slowly but surely, the invisable wall that had built itself around me began to break. It was subtle, but I felt it in small ways. A sudden and urgent desire to share my faith. A random moment of envisioning myself sharing my story, and motivating audiences from stages across the globe. A genuine desire to be heard and not just seen. This led to a multitude of changes for me, from cutting back on my efforts to build a community that had become unresponsive, to putting myself and my needs first. (I'm still learning to work on this.) I began seeing my value--all of it. It's no longer boxed, but literally breaking forth from the seams of my life. Every talent and gift is screaming so loud to get out that I can hear it echoing in my thoughts. And... I love it. For the first time, I don't feel like a performer who is hustling to stay relevant or persuade people to think I'm cool enough, pretty enough, successful enough, talented enough, rich enough. I feel like what I truly am, a content creator who loves the Lord and is excited to share all of the things that make up who I am. REGARDLESS of if my "old" audience gets it or not. If someone doesn't "get it," not only is it thankfully not my problem, but it's also not something I can do anything about. I am no longer a slave to trying to anticipate what others want me to say / do... I'm just doing what I feel is right and praising God the rest of the way. It's much easier this way and WAY more authentic too.
Soooooo.... What Now?
Today is May 16, 2025 and I can confidently say that I FINALLY get it. I finally understand that I am a multi-faceted creative. A woman with many talents, gifts, and abilities who shouldn't be boxed in. I am a travel and lifestyle content creator, but I am also a Christian woman that is navigating the entertainment industry. I am also an author, a speaker, and a life mentor. Taking a step back and truly looking at things for what they really are has helped me to see WHO I AM, as opposed to who I thought I was expected to be. I cannot keep up with everything that everyone else is doing, but I CAN run my race--in my own lane-- with as much excellence and audacity as I can.
So, what now? Well, if you're reading this, you're likely a fan of my content, a hater, or someone who has also felt lost at one point in life. This is the "new" JozaWorld. Does that mean everything is changing, not exactly. But, will I be creating and living on my own terms from now on, yes. I have goals, dreams, and people who NEED me to do all the things God has called me to do. And THAT excites me! So, along with my superb personality (dramatic hair flip), you're getting to know more about me as a woman of faith, as a traveler, as an entrepreneur. You also get to see me thrive as a life coach / mentor, a motivational speaker, and a woman who desires to impact the world in a mighty way. I have started a second company LAUNCHING SOON-- an education platform that aligns with my desire to help educate, inspire, and equip women to not only pivot and reset like I did, but also begin living their most audacious and epic lives EVER.
One of the people that helped me so much with my decision to change course was a content creator named Vanessa lau. She posted a video about how she quit her self made 7-figure business at the height of her career in order to take a sabbatical and reset/pivot. (Check out her video here) WOW, I had never felt like I understood someone so much! When I saw her video, I knew it was a sign. For you... let THIS be your sign. If you know you're living small, procrastinating, not where you want to be, but also not moving forward, or you're feeling stuck in life--this is your sign to STOP. STOP what isn't working. STOP forcing yourself to accept things that you FEEL you cannot change. STOP gaslighting yourself into "submission."This is your sign to PIVOT. Believe me, you'll feel 100% better once you do. Another book that I read that helped me navigate this season of my life was a book called, "Quit" by Annie Duke. CLICK HERE to check it out.
Love, Joza
"I show you what's possible, then give you the blueprint."
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